The King Cobra

I’m sitting on the porch of our condo watching the sun set over the ocean outside Bandon, OR, and for once I’m actually enjoying my latest bad beer adventure. I don’t know if it’s the cool temperature and picturesque beach, or the day’s activities wearing me down, or maybe just the knowledge of what’s in the minifridge waiting for me to get to it, but this can of King Cobra is alright.

Pouring the clear, golden contents of the 24oz tall boy can into a lovely snifter, one of the few clean glasses remaining at my disposal, I soon relate the irony of drinking a $1.09 can of malt liquor from such a vessel to the absolutely stunning beach in front of me that lies on the outskirts of a run-down old Oregon town. The lovely pink and gray sunset over the hazy blue Pacific has me feeling reflective. Or maybe it’s the booze.

Smell is, as usual, about what you’d expect from this type of thing. Not much happening here but what there is won’t put you off drinking it, assuming you’ve made it this far. I have to recommend pouring this one, since it actually seems to benefit from a little breathing room. Taste is somewhat mild, but that’s not unexpected considering the fairly weak 6% ABV. Generally the alcohol is all you taste in something of this quality but not so here. What you will taste is sweet corn and little else, followed by a very mild, sweet finish, with a pleasant level of carbonation.

The full can done and gone, it’s time to say goodnight and go inside. While I can’t see myself actively seeking this one out closer to home, I can say with some certainty that this is the absolute easiest bad beer review I’ve done yet. Whether it’s the beer, the sunset, or just the adventure of trying something new, this one’s ok.

Enjoy.

Greetings from the sand

You wake up early one morning and head to the airport. You try to check in to your flight only to realize it's been cancelled. You kill 3 hours at terminal C because you've already parked your car in long-term and refuse to go through that again. Eventually you arrive at your connecting flight only to learn that the connecting plane has been grounded due to 'technical issues'. Your gate changes. Your gate changes again. Hours later you board the plane and wait on the tarmac for what seems like an eternity only to find out that a seat back is broken and maintenance has been dispatched. Finally your plane is in the air and in 3 hours you land in Portland, where you'll wait 30 minutes for a rental car.

Sensing a trend? The journey was a trying one indeed, but well worth it on every level. Across 1800 miles I finally arrived at my destination: Beer Capital USA. My stay in Portland was a short one, but I'm following it with a seafool and beer-filled week on the Oregon coast so I have no complaints. I've packed a few bottles to keep me company throughout the week, and one or two to bring home. Thoughts on the Stone IPA in my hand will be posted shortly.

O'Malley's SunRyes Ale

Note: Thought this would be fun. Here is a raw, unedited, unfinished two-part entry that was written sometime in late 2008, most likely at the same time that I was drinking the beer under review. I've not toned it down, and I haven't done my usual week-long "should I say that?" deliberation on phrasing and flow that usually goes into these entries. I never posted it because I felt like I was unable to politely convey my feelings toward this beer, but I've since decided that it doesn't matter. It's all in good fun and decent, drinking people deserve to know. Enjoy!


It was the sweet, rotten smell of decay that made me immediately dread taking my first sip of this abomination in a bottle. If I was drinking this for recreational reasons (read: to get drunk), I'd pour it into the nearest toilet right now. Tastes like rotten lemons. Made me pucker, it really is sour. I've never had anything like it, and I hope that other than the remaining bottle that will inevitably rest for ages in my tiny little beer fridge, I never will again.

Fast forward several weeks:

Whole second bottle to go through because I'm a cheap bastard and refuse to drain pour this worthless, sorry sack of shit excuse for a beer. O'Malley's Brewery, if by some cruel twist of fate you actually end up reading this, I sincerely hope that you really, very seriously consider buying back and destroying all distributed containers of this Devil's brew, burn the recipe, and strongly reconsider the wage you're paying the person who brews it. Honestly, is there anyone in Weston that tastes this crap before they bottle it?

Boulevard Two Jokers Double-Wit

When life hands you a lemony beer, drink it.  Yes, it's the latest (8th!) release in the well-received Smokestack Series from Boulevard.  Pouring this jewel into my lovely Smokestack chalice, I was immediately taken by it's beautiful hazy gold color and thick two-finger head.  I don't say this often, but this is a simply stunning beer that is absolutely enthralling to look at.

Smell follows the witbeir style with lots of orange peel, cloves and coriander.  The taste is sour and spicy, with a puckering citrus bite that would be a perfect refreshment on a hot day.  Following the theme of refreshment is the thin, highly carbonated mouthfeel, which adds to the almost infinite drinkability of this brew.  In fact, the only thing that reels me in from wanting to chug the entire glass is the stout 8% abv, which would gladly knock me firmly on my ass should I choose to not respect this beer.

All in all, this is a wonferful example of the good old American one-upsmanship that we've all come to love and expect from the craft beer industry.  Not satisfied with the standard every-man formula for a warm weather offering, Boulevard Brewing has worked magic yet again by putting their own twist on what is, in my humble opinion, a slightly uninsteresting style.  So much more than just an alcohol-infused high gravity wit, this beer seems to reveal something new with every sip. With an all-to-soon empty bottle beside me, I'm noticing that the label is conspicuously missing the 'collect them all' numbering found on the limited release beers from Boulevard.  Here's hoping that we can all look forward to many quiet summer evenings on the porch, sipping the pinnacle of locally available warm weather seasonals.

Enjoy!

Lucky Number 03608

In celebration of my 200th beer (that I remembered well enough to write down), I've decided that I'm taking a well-deserved break from the shitty beers for a moment. I've had a bottle of Boulevard Imperial Stout in my basement for a while now and it was high time I uncorked it before I forgot about it altogether. Speaking of the corks, I love them but I find removing them to be a bitch of a time without destroying the cork, which I like to keep for one reason or another. Suggestions?

This one pours very well into a nice tall glass, showing off a remarkable, almost solid black color with a thick, foamy off-white head. Smell is of roasted malts and coffee, a wonderful representation of the style. This is one thick, sticky beer, and I actually found myself resisting the urge to chew once in a while. All motor oil jokes aside, the mouthfeel is actually very pleasant, and is once again an excellent representation of the style. The taste is deep and rich, with a chocolaty-sweetness up front followed by a warming, bitter alcohol finish. This big, bad brewski makes no secret of the 11% abv...

...which brings us to confession time. I tend to poke fun at the people that feel the need to split their big bottles but I must admit about half way through this one I was starting to wish I had someone to split it with. Huge flavor and huge alcohol make this 750ml liquid titan almost a challenge to get though...a challenge I was more than up to but a challenge nonetheless. Don't get me wrong , it's infinitely likable, but like a fine bourbon it's best enjoyed in slightly smaller doses. So split it with a friend and enjoy the hell out of it, a beer like this comes along only so often.

Identity Crisis? The BEER That Made Milwaukee Famous

That's right muthabitches, it's Schlitz. I'd been meaning to pick up a big-ass can of Schlitz since I started this little waste of time but I kept putting it off for one reason or another...probably because it's gross. Since I don't really keep my ear to the ground in the bad beer circuit, I had no idea that Schlitz was about to reinstate their old 1960's recipe in an effort to capture the collective wallets of the Natural Light crowd. Since nothing says 'good beer' like the 1960's, I knew I had to have it. So what made this beer so great 40 years ago? After 5 bottles, I have no idea.

What to say about Schlitz? Well, not much really. The smell mostly consists of corn, not unlike many other by-the-case beers. Taste is pretty much the same. I can't quite say that's a bad thing, but I have a hard time commending it as well. For the first time in recollection, I really just don't care one way or another. It's not bad, per say. The problem is, unsurprisingly, it's just not that good. Would I order it over more common, better-advertised brews? Definitely. Would I suggest that everyone at the table do the same? Unlikely.

As far as taste goes, you can expect a little more than your average American macro, but as most back-of-the-cooler types know,that isn't always a good thing. In the case of Schlitz, I'm somewhat torn between cursing it's pedestrian corny, aluminum flavor and applauding it's effort to at least taste like something. If this were another of the super cheap, $10/case brews I would most certainly think more highly of it, but for the price I just can't recommend it. Simply put, this beer has no business whatsoever in the $6 six-pack game.

Old Milwaukee Light

My recent "research" has driven me farther and farther back into the darkest corners of walk-in coolers all over town. As most people know the good stuff's up front, leaving a veritable showroom of bottom shelf gutter runoff to choose from in the back. For those who value quantity over quality, look no further as most cases in this section of the store can be taken home for less than $10. They probably won't taste good, but they will most certainly get you drunk.

Trying to pace myself on the awful, it was only natural that I'd be drawn to the box with the awards on it. Enter Old Milwaukee Light, apparently one of the finer beers available, winner of the gold medal in the American-Style Light Lager category of the 2008 World Beer Cup over such other notables as Lone Star Light and Natural Light. Apparently Week-old Coffee and Dirty Bathwater didn't compete this year.

All funnies aside I have to admit that this beer wasn't really that bad. Really. I don't expect it to replace my beloved Miller High Life as the every day go-to beer of the summer, but there might actually come a day when I buy this one again. If you bother with a glass you're likely in for a surprise. Visually, it had all the things folks usually look for in a beer: thick, lingering off-white head with a surprising amount of web-like lacing that was present from start to finish. The taste was not overpowering but certainly more flavorful than most other catchy-labeled macro swill. No real hop presence or alcohol bitterness. In fact, it tastes about like you'd expect: slightly sweet with light malt flavors and a mild bitter finish. Just don't smell it. Please. Don't. Smell. It. Trust me.

So there it is. Next time you're tailgating, mowing the lawn or just in one of those quantity over quality kind of moods, give it a shot. The price is hard to beat and if you generally find yourself reaching for bottles of Bud/Miller/Coors Light, you may be surprised to find you actually enjoy beer-flavored beer. And if your friends give you shit, point to the Gold Medal on the can and keep drinking.