Boulevard Two Jokers Double-Wit

When life hands you a lemony beer, drink it.  Yes, it's the latest (8th!) release in the well-received Smokestack Series from Boulevard.  Pouring this jewel into my lovely Smokestack chalice, I was immediately taken by it's beautiful hazy gold color and thick two-finger head.  I don't say this often, but this is a simply stunning beer that is absolutely enthralling to look at.

Smell follows the witbeir style with lots of orange peel, cloves and coriander.  The taste is sour and spicy, with a puckering citrus bite that would be a perfect refreshment on a hot day.  Following the theme of refreshment is the thin, highly carbonated mouthfeel, which adds to the almost infinite drinkability of this brew.  In fact, the only thing that reels me in from wanting to chug the entire glass is the stout 8% abv, which would gladly knock me firmly on my ass should I choose to not respect this beer.

All in all, this is a wonferful example of the good old American one-upsmanship that we've all come to love and expect from the craft beer industry.  Not satisfied with the standard every-man formula for a warm weather offering, Boulevard Brewing has worked magic yet again by putting their own twist on what is, in my humble opinion, a slightly uninsteresting style.  So much more than just an alcohol-infused high gravity wit, this beer seems to reveal something new with every sip. With an all-to-soon empty bottle beside me, I'm noticing that the label is conspicuously missing the 'collect them all' numbering found on the limited release beers from Boulevard.  Here's hoping that we can all look forward to many quiet summer evenings on the porch, sipping the pinnacle of locally available warm weather seasonals.

Enjoy!

Lucky Number 03608

In celebration of my 200th beer (that I remembered well enough to write down), I've decided that I'm taking a well-deserved break from the shitty beers for a moment. I've had a bottle of Boulevard Imperial Stout in my basement for a while now and it was high time I uncorked it before I forgot about it altogether. Speaking of the corks, I love them but I find removing them to be a bitch of a time without destroying the cork, which I like to keep for one reason or another. Suggestions?

This one pours very well into a nice tall glass, showing off a remarkable, almost solid black color with a thick, foamy off-white head. Smell is of roasted malts and coffee, a wonderful representation of the style. This is one thick, sticky beer, and I actually found myself resisting the urge to chew once in a while. All motor oil jokes aside, the mouthfeel is actually very pleasant, and is once again an excellent representation of the style. The taste is deep and rich, with a chocolaty-sweetness up front followed by a warming, bitter alcohol finish. This big, bad brewski makes no secret of the 11% abv...

...which brings us to confession time. I tend to poke fun at the people that feel the need to split their big bottles but I must admit about half way through this one I was starting to wish I had someone to split it with. Huge flavor and huge alcohol make this 750ml liquid titan almost a challenge to get though...a challenge I was more than up to but a challenge nonetheless. Don't get me wrong , it's infinitely likable, but like a fine bourbon it's best enjoyed in slightly smaller doses. So split it with a friend and enjoy the hell out of it, a beer like this comes along only so often.

Identity Crisis? The BEER That Made Milwaukee Famous

That's right muthabitches, it's Schlitz. I'd been meaning to pick up a big-ass can of Schlitz since I started this little waste of time but I kept putting it off for one reason or another...probably because it's gross. Since I don't really keep my ear to the ground in the bad beer circuit, I had no idea that Schlitz was about to reinstate their old 1960's recipe in an effort to capture the collective wallets of the Natural Light crowd. Since nothing says 'good beer' like the 1960's, I knew I had to have it. So what made this beer so great 40 years ago? After 5 bottles, I have no idea.

What to say about Schlitz? Well, not much really. The smell mostly consists of corn, not unlike many other by-the-case beers. Taste is pretty much the same. I can't quite say that's a bad thing, but I have a hard time commending it as well. For the first time in recollection, I really just don't care one way or another. It's not bad, per say. The problem is, unsurprisingly, it's just not that good. Would I order it over more common, better-advertised brews? Definitely. Would I suggest that everyone at the table do the same? Unlikely.

As far as taste goes, you can expect a little more than your average American macro, but as most back-of-the-cooler types know,that isn't always a good thing. In the case of Schlitz, I'm somewhat torn between cursing it's pedestrian corny, aluminum flavor and applauding it's effort to at least taste like something. If this were another of the super cheap, $10/case brews I would most certainly think more highly of it, but for the price I just can't recommend it. Simply put, this beer has no business whatsoever in the $6 six-pack game.

Old Milwaukee Light

My recent "research" has driven me farther and farther back into the darkest corners of walk-in coolers all over town. As most people know the good stuff's up front, leaving a veritable showroom of bottom shelf gutter runoff to choose from in the back. For those who value quantity over quality, look no further as most cases in this section of the store can be taken home for less than $10. They probably won't taste good, but they will most certainly get you drunk.

Trying to pace myself on the awful, it was only natural that I'd be drawn to the box with the awards on it. Enter Old Milwaukee Light, apparently one of the finer beers available, winner of the gold medal in the American-Style Light Lager category of the 2008 World Beer Cup over such other notables as Lone Star Light and Natural Light. Apparently Week-old Coffee and Dirty Bathwater didn't compete this year.

All funnies aside I have to admit that this beer wasn't really that bad. Really. I don't expect it to replace my beloved Miller High Life as the every day go-to beer of the summer, but there might actually come a day when I buy this one again. If you bother with a glass you're likely in for a surprise. Visually, it had all the things folks usually look for in a beer: thick, lingering off-white head with a surprising amount of web-like lacing that was present from start to finish. The taste was not overpowering but certainly more flavorful than most other catchy-labeled macro swill. No real hop presence or alcohol bitterness. In fact, it tastes about like you'd expect: slightly sweet with light malt flavors and a mild bitter finish. Just don't smell it. Please. Don't. Smell. It. Trust me.

So there it is. Next time you're tailgating, mowing the lawn or just in one of those quantity over quality kind of moods, give it a shot. The price is hard to beat and if you generally find yourself reaching for bottles of Bud/Miller/Coors Light, you may be surprised to find you actually enjoy beer-flavored beer. And if your friends give you shit, point to the Gold Medal on the can and keep drinking.

With a name like that...

I don't know what possessed me to buy this, but being driven by a wicked combination of intense self-loathing, alcoholic gluttony and outright curiosity I decided that I had to have it. Lately I've been going through a kind of 'adventure consumables' phase. I won't detail my other exploits here but I will admit that they were unpleasant, with not one that I'd willingly return to. An imaginary line had been drawn in the sand, this can of Steel Reserve was to be my next conquest.

Staring at the giant silver can I'm reminded not slightly of Coors Light, which while not my favorite still has a generally enjoyable purpose. The contents of this container probably have a purpose too, but the only things that come to mind are a cruel form of torture and maybe de-greaser, given the high alcohol concentration (8.10 percent!). Unfortunately for me, however, Coors Light this isn't and keen to back down from a challenge I'm not.

The first thing anyone is likely to notice about a beer is the smell, and this one had little to offer along those lines other than the overwhelming smell of alcohol. That's right, alcohol. Like what you put on cuts and scrapes if you're a tough or mean son of a bitch, depending on whether you're treating yourself or the very unlucky kid that you must hate. If you've made it that far, you might as well give it a taste, which I unfortunately did. A lot of big beer brewers will at least attempt to cover up the high gravity with extra hops or some roasted chocolate or molasses flavors. Apparently the kind folks who brew Steel Reserve think that sort of nonsense is for pussies. What you'll taste is alcohol, and lots of it. The kind of alcohol that will put hair on your chest. The sweetness of the malts only seems to bring out the overpowering alcohol and with hardly any hop character to speak of this turns out to be a very burley, mean-spirited bastard of a beer. And not in a good way.

Whether you're using it as first aid for a gunshot wound or to treat a downswing from your bipolar disorder, despite tasting perfectly awful this beer does get at least one thing right: it will most assuredly get you window-licking drunk if you've got the palette to finish it. And the only way that is likely to happen is due to the ABV: by the time you down half the can, you probably won't really care what it tastes like any more. Bravo.

Camo 900 High Gravity Lager

The subject: Camo 900 High Gravity Lager.
The verdict: Sweet merciful Christ.

Up next is a beer that, looking back, had to be a mislabeled can of equal parts goat urine and Mad Dog 20/20 (the orange flavor). For what is probably the first time in my life I'm at a complete loss as to how to describe this beer. No clever puns. No awkward, self-referential over-your-head sarcasm. Not even a good penis joke. Plain and simple, this beer tasted like nail polish remover smells. At 9.0% abv, I think it might actually be a cheaper alternative to lighter fluid. And just as tasty!

As with any fine spirit in a can, the first thing you're likely to notice is the smell. Oddly enough, this actually has one. Think: cheap wine. No, cheaper. Cheaper. There, that's the one. On the bottom shelf in the gallon jug. As for flavor, mouthfeel, carbonation and appearance...well, who gives a rat's ass. This drank will get ya drunk on.

Bottom line: do not touch.

Did I say spark plug?

...what I meant was butt plug.

Up first on my journey through the dirty underbelly of the beer world (those to be had locally, anyway) is an interesting little number called Sparks Plus. Here before me is a can that I've passed over hundreds of times at my local supermarket. It's neither bold nor particularly exciting, quite contrary to the "extreme" label that this sort of thing tends to carry. This drink falls into that space that I've yet to explore, where uppers and downers are mixed and the end result is a kind of confusing mess of tired, jittery giddiness that can only come from a 7.0% abv, 1 pint 16oz can of alcoholic caffeine. And taurine. And guarana-ginseng blend. And natural flavor. And certified colors. And a little FD&C yellow number 5...you know, for flavor.  Maybe that's what the '+' means.

I have to admit at this point that I've already finished the entire can. In less than 5 minutes. I think it's the caffeine. You see, you have to prepare yourself for these things. You go into each "adventure consumable" experience assuming that this will not be pleasant. This will not be the kind of beverage that encourages sipping, to be enjoyed slowly over a few chapters of a nice book or an engaging convesation. You kind of steel yourself against the worst possible outcome, as if you're pouring a can of straight Devil's piss. Well, I'm happy to report that it actually wasn't that bad, kind of like a Red Bull but not as sickeningly sweet. I don't mean to imply that it was enjoyable by any means, but I can safely say I've had worse. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go run some laps around the house before I wash the cars, buff the floors and finally crash into the peaceful hibernation that usually follows this kind of energy rush. EXTREME!!!